I do not get this - American style relationship?
Blah Blah Blah October 31st, 2007 
I was wondering about what many Americans are thinking about their relationship. I don’t understand why two people can live together while hating each other so much. I hope I can understand all this weird relationship.
This is just one of the stories I have heard of. I just don’t get it.
A friend of my friend, named John, who was married a long time ago. He, then, file device. Few weeks later, he married a younger girl named Mary with two kids of her own. Few years later, John and Mary decided to file devoice. They realized that they are not the right matches and don’t get along very well. They fight all the time. In most of the case, Mary was the one started, screamed loud and kept nagging and nagging. John will fight back too. So they both disagree with each other all the time.
So. John and Mary both file devoice and sold their house. After that, John moved to an apartment. Mary took her two kids and stay with her mom. Few weeks later, Mary called John. She was kicked out by her mother and got no where to live. So John accepts and takes Mary and her kids back to his apartment.
Few days later, John was a little bit drunk after party. Mary started nagging at John. John can’t stand Mary any more and call 911. When John was talking to police on the phone, Mary screamed so loud “Don’t hit me. Please …. Don’t hurt me and my kids …. I bag you.. please!”
OK. An hour later, John went to jail. And stay in Jail for few days to calm down. Mary files a restraining order while John was still in jail. Few days after that, John was set free and ready to go home. The problem is that the restraining order prevents John from getting close to Mary and her kids. In other words, John can’t go back to his own apartment, which he paid all of the rental and utility bills. What’s going on there? That just sounds so outrage to me.
What? John can’t go back to his own place? The story ends here. I don’t know what John and Mary are doing now. I just don’t get the point. If Mary hates John so much, why she moved back with John at first place? Why John take her back at first place?
I don’t really get it. Can anyone tell me what was going on on their mind?
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12 Responses to “I do not get this - American style relationship?”
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October 31st, 2007 at 2:22 pm
Hmmm, I have mixed feelings after reading your post, but I will try to help answer some of your questions or at least help you understand about “domestic violence.” Domestic Violence is when a person whether man or woman is abusive “physically and/or mentally to their wife/husband or child.”
Now, part of your article stopped me in my tracks while reading,
“John can’t go back to his own apartment, which he paid all of the rental and utility bills. What’s going on there? That just sounds so outrage to me.”
First of all, each family relationship is not not unique, domestic violence holds no geographic, race, gender or educational back round, nor does this problem come from only American families. In fact, in America, we have strict laws in place unlike many countries to PROTECT our citizens, and to help promote a FREE and SAFE community/society and home to live in.
There is a problem with people going back to live with their “abuser” however, this problem stems from many issues. Post Traumatic Shock, and other mental conditions that come from a long history of being abused is a major reason why wives and or husbands return home.
FEAR is the number one reason, fear to live on their own, due to having a lack of employment, or fear that the abuser will come and find them, take their children or worst to kill them.
How can a man possibly know what it is like to wake up and worry about opening the refrigerator to pour glass milk, not knowing that the husband may slam her head into the freezer door for no other reasoning than to “CONTROL” her. How can she run, she is afraid, her child lays sleeping in the next room and after many days and night of being hit, scratched, burnt or what ever, she is not his, forever, no matter what.
A restraining order is a first step, it is not a solution. There are many steps that must be taken by the person’s support system in order for the person being abused to get OUT for good.
I hear you mention America, but what about the countries that ALLOW men to control their wives, to allow husbands to hurt them. What is wrong with their morals, their values?
I ask you to research this situation further, opening up your mind to the “big picture” there is many issues that relate to domestic violence, and it is a severe issue and not one that can be solved with a small piece of paper such as a Restraining Order. However, it is a step in the right direction.
We need to show our support to the women, children and even some men who have been and who are living in a terribly violent situation. We cannot help solve the problems in society if we do not take off the blind folds that keep us from evaluating the “whole picture,” and that is to see a problem at an international level.
Violence has no barriers, Abuse no’s no one name, and Freedom comes first from within.
I hope I have helped shed some light on this issue for you.
IF not, just think of yourself as a “woman” and think how it would be to live in fear, day, after day, after day. What would you do? What could you do? What can we do in our world to protect one another from needless violence and pain from those who say, “I love you.”
–Katina M. Woodruff
Owner of One Stop Write Shop
Come and share your writing with us.
Free memberships available.
Protect yourself–learn martial arts!
katinawoodruff740 (at) yahoo (dot) com
Good Luck!
October 31st, 2007 at 3:05 pm
I hear you, it’s not right. These things usually work themselves out, Terence–very glad John has a good friend in you to turn to.
Happy Halloween, Bud! Where you been? Not at JameeForever, that’s for sure!
October 31st, 2007 at 3:13 pm
@Stacey:
I read your blog on BlogLines. I am watching your every move …
Well. Don’t call 911 though.
Happy Halloween! You probably already that I was busy on my new business.. Check them out!
October 31st, 2007 at 3:26 pm
@Kat:
Thank you so much for the input. I do understand “domestic violence” is a serious matter in USA. It is actually a serious issues (crime) in many other countries. I do respect women often being a victim. However, I did feel that many women or even a man claim that they were the victims while they were not. I believe a good relationship is built on top of trust and respect. If one person abuse the trust or have no respect to the other, the relationship will not last long. It’s just like many people claim that they have been discriminated by others while they were just using those terms for their own excuses.
In John’s case, I just don’t see a fair treatment to him. I don’t really know who is the victim. They are back together. I just could not understand why they are still together?
October 31st, 2007 at 6:14 pm
Okay, I see what you are talking about. Hope I didn’t come off on the “defensive” side. Some times it is hard to tell about one’s views from just reading a post. Thanks for the reply.
I also know of those who have claimed to be victims and it really inhibits society’s views of this situation. Men are now being victimized as (mistreating) a woman because of the red flag going up when the police are called out to investigate a situation. This is not right, especially if the man has not been abusive. Of course, it happens a lot though.
I know someone who was in a relationship and the woman was abusive, she would throw things at him and when he tried to protect himself, they put him in jail. However, I am only getting the one side of the story, so who knows what really happened. I do feel for any guy who has been falsely accused of this sort of thing, and there should be steep consequences for it too.
So glad for your reply.
–Hope you can visit my website sometime; we have an excellent forum and chat room.
All the best,
Kat
Ps. it is hard sometimes for a woman to be unbiased about this type of issue if she has experienced violence in her life. I appreciate reading post that focus on all sides, it helps in more ways than one.
I’m adding something about my site, if it is not permitted I understand. I have only been opened for 2 months, so I need all the help I can get with getting the word out.
One Stop Write Shop
Grand-Opening Writing Contest
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October 31st, 2007 at 6:48 pm
@Kat:
I am very open to any opinions.
You are right. I only hear one side of story too. So I can’t really tell if John is playing innocent (victim) or guilty. I think you are doing great by providing your opinions on my blog.
Thanks!
November 1st, 2007 at 6:08 am
Sometimes mommys and daddys stay together because financially they cannot afford a separation. My mother stayed with my father even though he was abusive and alcoholic throughout my growing up years because she had no where else to go. She didn’t have any family or friends close by.
November 1st, 2007 at 7:27 am
@awannabe:
Thank you for stopping by. I think you answer my question about why they are still together. You are right. People stay together, because they have to. It doesn’t mean they want to.
I always appreciate that I have a lovely wife stand by me. A warm family with hot foods and warm bed in the winter. How nice!
November 3rd, 2007 at 9:28 pm
It could mean two things. The woman either planned or took advantage of the situation. Seems to me like it was her plot “to beg him not to hit her” so that the 911 side could hear and believe her.
8 years ago my husband and I rented an apartment and the owner shared with us that he had to evade another tenant. I don’t remember other details except that the couple got into a big fight, the woman hit the man with a bottle and the police came and got the injured man. The woman went free.
When I tutored at the college, some guys who tried to rebuild their lives by getting a proper education went into jail for not paying the child support. When I analyzed his situation, he was not able to support himself and yet he had to go to jail.
I don’t understand.
November 3rd, 2007 at 9:36 pm
@Jesie:
I don’t understand either. Something just don’t make sense to me. wow. I did not know you will go to jail, if you cannot afford the child support.
I have heard a totally different story. A coworker of mime, her husband has never work before they married and took all the advantage off the wife. Now they have divorced for years, she is still paying him some support. The excuse the ex-husband was this.
“He has to keep his life style like he had before filed divorce.” So he is still not working and staying his home watching movies and football. She is paying his living cost.
I don’t really know what the judge was thinking. I don’t understand.
November 4th, 2007 at 12:18 pm
Terence
I did some personal income taxes while I was still in college. Your co-worker paid alimony because she is financially better-off. Alimony is paid to the spouse. Child support is paid to the spouse who has custody of the kid.
The first deduction from the pay check is child support. And it is not tax-deductible.
If the child support is $12,000 a year and alimony is $5,000 a year and the one who has to pay, paid only $13,000 in a year, $12,000 is considered to be payment for child support and $1,000 for alimony. If I still remember my taxes correctly, alimony is tax deductible and the recipient has to declare as income.
If the couple is not married and have a kid, normally the mother has the kid. She can bring the father to court and decide on the amount of child support he has to pay every month until the kid is 18.
November 4th, 2007 at 4:12 pm
@Jesie:
wow. I did not know there are such a tax like that. I’d better stick with my wife forever.
I just know that the end result are not what I expect. It does sound logical at all.